This is the greatest and best Letter in the world………..Tribute.
I may be many things, but an author of the infamous “Losers Letter” wasn’t one of them…until last night/today :( I would like to place all the blame on Jvay who dubbed my team “the only scary team” in last week’s rendition of this article. Last weeks matchup between the commish and myself had all the makings of an instant classic. The commish with a 67-62 all time record and myself with a 65-62 record with a head to head record of 7-7 an old rivalry of 2 members from “The Original 5? or 6?” was set up to be a game for the ages. The fantasy gods had other plans and instead ended in the stinker game of the week. I needed 29 points combined from Juju and Conner and while Conner did his job, Juju seemed more interested in how many hoes Chris Boswell was hanging out with and what everyone else was doing after the game rather than scoring any points. A combined 3 points from my first and second round picks was incredibly disappointing and the reason why I am writing this letter.
Enough about me…in a blink of an eye we are already ¼ of the way through the fantasy season. The “Letters” division is looking pretty stout with the only 3-1 teams while the “Numbers” division has some work to do. At this point I would like to showcase the team that was the inspiration for the title of this Pulitzer Prize winning piece. Chuckys Muh Fuckies has quietly scored 100+ points in every game thus far and is the only team to do so. Chase Big Daddy Dooley Truck has done so without his 2nd round pick Antonio “the clown” Brown and the #1 overall pick SaQuadGod Barkley last week. He currently sits 4th in scoring but unfortunately is 2nd in points against. In Matthew Berry’s 2016 draft day manifesto he noted that the magic number in a standard scoring league is 94 points a week. While he does not further elaborate what the percentage chance of winning is when you hit that magic number he simply states, “get to 94 points and you’ve got really good odds of getting into the dance at the end of the regular season.” Everyone has been having their best games against Chase and I think that continues this week. My team is DUE to put it all together and the law of averages says Chase won’t score 100+ this week. Big Schweg over Dooley 118-89.
Game 2 – Uncle Jerry vs. Seanathan
Sean’s team has scored 68, 67, 130, and 68 in the first 4 weeks while Uncle Jerry’s team has scored 100+ in 3 of 4. With the recent addition of Patty Mahomes and the speculative draft pick of Melvin Gordon paying off with his return to the field this week I view CramItUpUrGrahamhole Lafleur as a SERIOUS contender for Robbie.
Uncle Jerry scores 100+ for the 4th time taking down Sean. 103-77
Game 3 – Commish vs. The Dirty Bird
I’ll start this one off by saying who in the hell invited that guy?!?! That guy of course being none other than the defending champ, Terrance. To be honest I love the guy but i'm not so sure I love that he is in our league…he is just too damn good it makes me sick. He never has a bad draft and of course he follows up his Patrick Mahomes (MVP) pick from last year with a late pick of the current #1 scoring QB Lamar Jackson. Jensen had the strongest draft in my opinion and much of that is due to the 2nd leading rusher (by 1 yard) and tied with the most rushing touchdowns (5) Dalvin Cook. The Vikings run heavy offense has got one of their star receivers requesting a trade and the other calling out their QB. I see an average game from Cook this week with Kirk trying his best to quiet down his unhappy receivers. Cook will score another short TD and Thielen is in line to be peppered with targets with Diggs missing practice with the trade rumors. This game will be a close one coming down to the Monday night game where I see Jensen’s boyfriend George Kittle coming back to life and scoring 2 short Tuddys while Beckham still struggles to connect with Baker.
Commish gets his revenge and takes down the defending champ 101-97
Game 4 – The Snake vs. A A A A A ARon
It’s nice to know that the Snake is still alive and well. Always the center of controversy it seems as though he was “allegedly” part of some “Waiver wire collusion.” I view Devin Singletary as a valuable young prospect. He has been banged up but appears to be a very talented back. For a team to let Shady go when the only back up they have left is 37 year old Frank Gore it seems obvious to me that the Bills are confident in Singletary’s talent to lead their run first offense when healthy. I can only speculate that Jake felt the same way and did what was necessary to get him on his team during waiver adds. Unfortunately for the snake, Singletary now belongs to The Muh Fuckies due to the controversy. Aaron made it very clear that during the draft he was unhappy with how the cards fell in the RB department. Derrick Henry was on my DO NOT DRAFT LIST due to his incredible inconsistencies. Thus far he has proved me very wrong and has been a beast currently ranking as the #6 RB. Unfortunately for Aaron, both of his RBs have very tough matchups and I see this being the difference in the game.
Both of Aaron’s running backs get held to less than 8 points and the SNAKE takes down the Elder Vaiden 91-85
Lastly game 5 - Young Buck vs. Young Buck and my GAME OF THE WEEK
Big E’s team has been scoring at will as he currently leads the league in scoring. Earlier in the text thread he sent out a meme that stated, “put some respect on my name.” I think due to his horrendous 2017/18 season and championship hangover his team has been overlooked. With unlikely names stepping up big like Marlon Mack and Chris Godwin he currently is the owner of the #1 and #2 scoring WR in fantasy…WHHHHAAAAAAATTTTT? Jvay’s team has been doing some Dong Hangin’ as well as he currently sits 3rd in the league in scoring. Much of this is thanks to his 1-2 punch at RB, Chubb and Ekeler. With the return of Melvin Gordon I believe Chubbawamba takes a huge hit as the current #2 RB now is in at the very least a 50/50 time-share. I believe Ekeler will still have flex value for a few weeks while Gordon gets back up to game speed but head coach Anthony Lynn has already stated that Gordon is their guy. I like this game to be a high scoring shootout coming down to the Monday night game.
With huge games from Keenan Allen and Zeke both scoring 2 touchdowns each, I like ManBearPigSkins to hold on and take down Chubbawamba 127-122
In closing this is not the greatest letter in the world, no…this is just a tribute. Couldn’t remember the greatest letter in the world no, no. This is just a tribuuuuteee. And the peculiar thing is this my friends: The letter I wrote last night got erased as my browser refreshed and everything disappeared and didn’t sound anything like this letter!
Note to all those that follow…write your losers letter in WORD first. Good luck to all in week 5 (fist pound)