First off, fuck you muhfuckys that suggested I write this week’s loser letter. I really didn’t want to but knew deep down that I deserved to. So consider this manifesto a sacrifice to the fantasy football gods, for I hope that they will once again smile favorably upon my dirty, thirsty team. Since this article is coming so late in the week (and I really just want to forget about the first half of the season), I thought it fitting to look ahead rather than backward.
So with one-half of the season down, let’s take a look at what we have to look forward to for the rest of the 2017 Season.
The Schwifty Niners
Our dear friend, Lil Schweg, doesn’t have much to worry about as he will likely skate into the playoffs with a current 6-1-1 record. Led by the stellar play of his two lead backs, Gurley and LevBell, and a somewhat surprising x factor at the tight end position in Zach Ertz, The Niners seem destined for greatness this year. I mean I put up 121 against him and he still managed to avoid an L!
New England Cam Chowder
If you look at this team’s roster and total points on the season, you can’t help but think - how the hell is this guy 6-2?? But then, you realize that this is The Snake’s team… and that he’s the reigning champ for a reason. No matter how narrow the path to the playoffs, he will slither his way through the tiniest of crevices to reach his golden destination. A few words of wisdom for the rest of the season - watch your buttholes.
The Nashville Nightmare’s
Holy Deshaun Watson - Big Schweg is 6-2 and killing it! I think it’s safe to say that The Billy Goat curse has officially been lifted. Maybe it’s because the Cubs finally won the ship. Maybe it’s because he moved on from that soul sucking leach of an ex to much, much greener pastures (congratulations again, buddy). Whatever the reason, the dark cloud that covered so many of Schweggie’s past seasons has finally gave way to the light, and the future is looking brighter than ever. If he can find a solid QB option to stream week in and week out, The Nashville Nightmare’s have the look of a roster that can compete for the top spot.
Mark Murphy Law of Averages
I’m pretty sure the Commissh is going to have enough legal know-how to earn a JD by the end of this season. I just hope he doesn’t have a heart attack in the meantime. If Zeke the Freak continues to show and prove his elite elusiveness on and off the field, the Commissh might just rob the gould this year. #wordplay#bars I know most of you are probably too white to know what I’m talking about when I say “#bars” but I appreciate those that do (I’m looking at you Chase).
Mitch Betta Have My Money
Speaking of Chase, shout out to you for having, by far the best team name this season. This team has performed just like Trubisky, about as steady as you could ever hope considering the talent on the roster. Yet still, Chase’s team has more than a puncher’s chance to make it to the playoffs as (insert stat here)% of teams that start the year 4-4 actually make it to the playoffs.
The Rest of You Losers
I’m not spending any more of my Saturday writing about a bunch of losers. This includes myself. Your 2017 Fantasy Football season is more than likely over… but NEVER STOP FIGHTING! Not just for your pride but because
1) The Commish will bury you and then piss on your grave if you do
2) You’ll find yourself having to write this bullshit letter like me
3) You never know what might happen when it comes to Fantasy Football!
Best of luck on the rest of the season & cheers to league TPD!