My dear, fellow owners and friends of the Poets Dance Fantasy Football League. I write to you this week not as...sneaky..slithery...or scaly as what we might be used to. Although the Snake sits at 6-3, seemingly in control of his own playoff destiny, his venom burns less intensely than Burt’s Bees chapstick; his constricting coil feels more like an awkward side hug. I’ve gotta be honest my friends, I’m scared. After nine weeks I think there are storylines forming, the playoffs are far from decided, AND I’m going to try to string together a coherent Loser’s Letter (I know each and every one of you are so happy I have to do this, maybe even one of you accidentally glanced the side of your hand across your pants and got a nut tingle [you know what I’m talking about]) after a mango margarita, a bowl of Skunkberry weed, at midnight whilst in a condo in the mountains for my anniversary. How’s that for readable so far? You realizing I’ve just snaked you as you have to read all this bullshit..? I’m sorry, I’m quite high and I’m not having anniversary sex night one so I have alllllllllllll night.... Without any further ado:
I’ll start with the matchup of the Jaygubs, the last two Robbie winners! I’m just glad we really focused on affirmative action two years back so Jacob was able to feel like a champ despite having a horrible, no good, very bad team (which is exactly what I’d have if I eventually find myself in the playoffs). I’m jk my friend, I respect the younger Vaiden’s fantasy acumen and think he’s got a fun coach/team to root for moving forward, but RIP Dalvin for us both :( I think Jacob has the obvious edge in running backs and receivers, especially with me having to start Jordy. I think this game will come down to who wins the kicker + defense battle. I think the kickers (Gostkowski at DEN; Zuerline vs HOU) will be close - me a slight edge with the Pats on the road kicking more fgs - but I’m hoping the Bears defense continues to show up and I️ fully expect them to ruin Hundley’s day. Jacob’s Saint’s DEF points will likely depend on WHICH Buffalo shows up: can they channel their winning ways from earlier this year or will they, you know, be the Bills? This game is big as a win will make the playoffs much more likely for me, while a loss for Jacob will likely caboose his season. Yes, caboose it.
The matchup of Commish vs the Swift got off to quite a start on Thursday Night Football as the favorite for this year’s Robbie scored a cool 32 points with a potential elite duo for the rest of the season, Russel Wilson and Jimmy Graham (Ryan traded Jimmy to Erik one week ago). These two are #1 and #4 at their respective positions. I talk to the Commish mucho and he’s “made peace” with this week’s potential loss which would really put Erik in pole position with only injuries to derail him - what will the Schwegler luck look like this year?!? Elliott is now re-re-re-resuspended so Jensen’s only hope is for Alfred Morris to do his best Zeke impression, Doug Martin to have a coming out party, the Rams to keep Hopkins quiet for the FULL 60 minutes, and flexes Juju outscoring Joe Joe. I think Erik keeps rolling.
In a less-than-likely-to-have-playoff-implications-matchup, A Vay takes on Dir-T-Hall. Per usual, Terrance has his stable of rbs, but is it too little, too late for the ONLY owner to never miss the playoffs? The projections at the time of this article are within a point, but I have to give this game to Terrance as Julio strings together another legit performance. Aaron’s 14 points from Seattle’s DEF will definitely help him keep pace this Sunday, but he will need a shootout between Matt Ryan (home) and the Cowboys and Sanu to outscore Julio by at least 13! Duds from Mariota and Buffalo’s newly signed toy Kelvin Benjamin would also need to happen to help my wedding officiant bring the upset!
In another intriguing matchup, Chase the Friendly Giant’s current starting lineup doesn’t reflect the construction he desired for his team as evidenced by fantasy darlings Davante and Jordan Reed on the bench; both underachieving, but for different reasons and Reed is the #26 TE!!! Nohbdy saw that coming (Greek Mythology joke - see?? stoned and exhausted). Stewart is losing snaps to white lightning, but Chase will get Ajayi back next week who is now part of a great offense and scored his first week with Philly! With Mike-E suspended and Creamunt on a bye, he who impregnated my family member prior to marriage does not get to put his best foot forward either; but the slightly higher name recognition from his players coupled with Goff having 1.5x the TOP of the Watson-less Texans, allows Schweg to return to his winning ways and a chance to avenge #oneyard. Do not forget he lost last year by one yard: Schweg is more dangerous now than ever before.
In our Week 10 Loser Letter Writer Bowl, it’s Seany vs Jerry! My right hand is falling asleep right now in the same way that Sean has admittedly fallen asleep on this season! He promised to try much harder next year or give up pot. Our choice. 1 point from AP really hurt Jarrett’s chance to run away with this one and ride the wave that is our unfettered love and support. I give Sean the very slight edge in WRs and as I type this sentence, Fantasy Live on NFL Network picked Robert Woods as their #1 sleeper this week, sooooooo....Sean wins. But seriously, Jarrett needs a special game from Kirk - it’s no easy task navigating that Minnesota DEF - and all Stafford’s PaTDs to go to Golden Taint! Best of luck Jerry, you deserve to win and I’m pretty sure Sean agrees lolz... ok I think it’s been an hour and 40 minutes since I
started. And remember, while you sleep the Snake schemes...Sssssssssssleeeep tight ssssuckersssss....