Dear League of Extraordinarily Average-Sized Gentlemen,
Yeah, I’m saying your weiners are small. I’m pretty pissed off I have to write this so here goes…
First things first – fuck whatever dumbass that came up with the dumb ass idea that each week’s biggest loser should have to write a dumb ass letter.
Sorry but that needed to be said. Now that that’s out of the way let’s get to the real letter.
Fuck you, Chase, you lucky muhfucky. If my whole team wasn’t complete dog shit I would’ve for sure, easily beat you.
Speaking of Luck, fuck you Andrew for outscoring Patty Mahomes last week. You made me look like a real jerk for keeping you on my bench and I can’t even blame the Optimize Button because Sean already used that.
Fuck you, Saquon Barkley, for being so talented and for scaring me away from drafting you at #4 overall because you kept getting hurt all offseason.
Fuck you, Wade Phillips, for letting the weak ass Seahawks offense put up 31 points.
Fuck you, Phillip Rivers. I never liked you.
Fuck you, Brandin Cooks. Zero points? 0? Really? You’re not supposed to get hit in the head that hard? Well, it’s FOOTBALL – get over it!
Fuck you Commissioner Jensen because, well, nobody likes ‘The Man’.
Fuck you, AVay, for rejecting all of my trade offers for Mark Ingram.
Fuck you Dion Lewis and Mike Vrabel. Derrick Henry is on the block if anyone is interested (I already know you’re not).
Jake, you’re cool. Thanks for the Bears tix - 6 touchdowns wooh!
Fuck all the rest of you muhfuckys until the season is over, or at least until I can get my next win which might be more than just a few weeks away.
Last but not least, FUCK YOU Donald Trump (small hands). Ever since I named my team Make Fantasy Football Great Again I’ve been losing a lot. The irony in that is almost laughable… almost.