I wasn’t sure we’d ever make it here. At least not this year. That’s why even while writing this letter, typically reserved for the lousiest of losers, I do so with a joyful heart. Football is back! I predicted there would be a season. Fortunately for us all, I was right. In turn, I thought it would be fun to provide some early season predictions for our league. Cheers, gentlemen! The Charkwing Bucks ride Lamar and Zeke to the Championship game Much to the dismay of the rest of the league, The Snake seems to be back this season with a vengeance after scoring the most points in Week 1. With a solid roster from top to bottom, this doesn’t look like a team that will need to sneak and slither its way to victories this season. This team will be good. Which will make it that much sweeter for whoever is fortunate enough to take home the Snake Slayer trophy for the 2020 Season. Cuck Fovid struggles early and makes late push to secure playoff spot With question marks across the starting lineup to go along with an ailing Michael Thomas, it’s hard to imagine a clear path to victories early in the season. Cuck Fovid is relying heavily on young players such as David Montgomery, Cam Akers, Hollywood Brown and D’andre Swift to make major strides in production as the season wears on. It’s a risky strategy that could pay off if enough of these young players reach their ceiling by midseason. The Hogmolies finish with the worst record in the league An aging Drew Brees and a terrible Giants offensive line may keep The Hogmolies from being truly competitive in TPD this year. Hometown kid James Robinson securing the starting RB spot for the Jags gives us all a reason to root for the Hogmolies and perhaps this team receives surprise production from other parts of its roster to prove this prediction faulty. A speedy return to the field for stud TE George Kittle can only help the Hogs chances of outplaying this early season prediction. The Item Niners wins the Numbers division The early season exit of Marlon Mack provides a tremendous opportunity for rookie Johnathan Taylor to become an instant league winner. Also, the Niners now boast a Mahomes to Hill connection that will be a fun one to watch and a tough one to beat all season. There’s room for error here as owner Sean Gomez has been known as one to over manage his team, but the Item Niners clearly have the building blocks to go the distance. The Kentucky Klondike Bars will be fined repeatedly for criticizing refs and Commissioner A stellar week 1 effort from CMC was squandered by Kentucky as other areas of the team failed to click. Reports out of Kentucky are that ownership will not stand for mediocrity, as evidenced by several high profile players already being traded away from the team. If frustration continues to grow, the Commissioner should be prepared to hear from owner Ryan Schwegler directly and often. He’s an owner who’s not afraid to publicly voice how he feels about The Poets Dance League, it’s shitty rules and all of its bitch ass owners. Stay tuned… The Fantasy Football Team will start strong but dwindle down the stretch You might expect this team’s play to be as boring as its name, and if you do you’re right. Early indications are that Russell Wilson and Josh Jacobs will give this team a solid floor week in and week out. The question is – who can the Fantasy Football Team rely on for season’s long production outside of their top 2 weapons? This is especially true if Ronald Jones and Austin Ekeler’s touches slowly begin to be siphoned away by their backups as the season progresses like some expect to happen. Helaireious Penis Jokes receives huge blow In a shocking but ironic turn of events, Helaireious Penis Jokes will lose its starting QB for the season due to a freak kayaking accident that results in Aaron Rodgers losing his penis and deciding to retire from football IMMEDIATELY. When asked about the prediction, owner Jarrett Kimberly had this to say. “A football season is like a good penis joke. It has its ups and downs. It’s definitely going to get hard. But after you take a beating you just have to get back up again.” R2 Deebo narrowly misses playoffs Staying true to its tedious brand of football, R2 Deebo and ‘WTF does the rest of this name mean’ will be just good enough to win consistently and just bad enough to lose consistently all season. Much to the delight of Owner/Commissioner *cough: conflict of interest* Ryan Jensen, the Browns have proven that there is enough production out of their backfield to make both Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt viable starting options in fantasy football. The biggest question remaining: will Josh Allen show enough consistency for this team to win consistently? This prediction says no. Depth issues come back to haunt a talented Turd Burglar team After a solid Week 1 output, it’s clear that the Turd Burglars mean business. With no glaring holes to fill, the issue for this team will be properly managing such an expansive cast of boom or bust Turds. Luckily for The Turd’s they have an owner in Erik Schwegler that’s proven time and time again, he can squeeze out every inch of goodness his Turds have to offer. In order to make a run, The Turd Burglars need to stay healthy at RB as they don’t have much depth beyond Derrick ‘The Tank’ Henry and Kenyan ‘Take it to the Bank’ Drake. I'm excited to see what actually waits ahead this season. Good luck to you all. Sincerely, The Champ P.S. Fuck Covid

Dear League of Extraordinarily Average-Sized Gentlemen, Yeah, I’m saying your weiners are small. I’m pretty pissed off I have to write this so here goes… First things first – fuck whatever dumbass that came up with the dumb ass idea that each week’s biggest loser should have to write a dumb ass letter. Sorry but that needed to be said. Now that that’s out of the way let’s get to the real letter. Fuck you, Chase, you lucky muhfucky. If my whole team wasn’t complete dog shit I would’ve for sure, easily beat you. Speaking of Luck, fuck you Andrew for outscoring Patty Mahomes last week. You made me look like a real jerk for keeping you on my bench and I can’t even blame the Optimize Button because Sean already used that. Fuck you, Saquon Barkley, for being so talented and for scaring me away from drafting you at #4 overall because you kept getting hurt all offseason. Fuck you, Wade Phillips, for letting the weak ass Seahawks offense put up 31 points. Fuck you, Phillip Rivers. I never liked you. Fuck you, Brandin Cooks. Zero points? 0? Really? You’re not supposed to get hit in the head that hard? Well, it’s FOOTBALL – get over it! Fuck you Commissioner Jensen because, well, nobody likes ‘The Man’. Fuck you, AVay, for rejecting all of my trade offers for Mark Ingram. Fuck you Dion Lewis and Mike Vrabel. Derrick Henry is on the block if anyone is interested (I already know you’re not). Jake, you’re cool. Thanks for the Bears tix - 6 touchdowns wooh! Fuck all the rest of you muhfuckys until the season is over, or at least until I can get my next win which might be more than just a few weeks away. Last but not least, FUCK YOU Donald Trump (small hands). Ever since I named my team Make Fantasy Football Great Again I’ve been losing a lot. The irony in that is almost laughable… almost. Cheers, Terrance

I knew I’d have to write another one of these sooner or later but I never thought it would be this soon. Welp, I’m tired of writing this alreadt so fuck the foreplay, let’s get right to it boys. Nothing Runs Like Ameer vs. New England Cam Chowder Breakout games from Cam and Kamara helped fuel this win. This was very good news for the entire bottom half of the league because we all need Jake to keep losing to have a shot at the playoffs. Side note - at this point in the season Robby Anderson has more points than Julio Jones which pretty much explains my current “situation” in one sentence. The Unquenchables vs. Shady and The Tramp Speaking of my current situation, Avay managed to get terrific games out of Demarco Murray and Seattle’s DEF to put a lid on The Unquenchables’ playoff hopes – atleast for now. I wish we could go back to the good old days where this game would’ve likely had 1st place implications. The Schwifty Niners vs Mark Murphy’s Law of Averages Mark Murphy’s Law of Averages managed to hand the Schwifty Niners they’re second loss of the season. The Patriot’s DEF and (I can’t believe someone actually named their son Juju) Smith-Schuster were the difference makers in this one. I doubt Erik will lose much sleep because of this one. Can't win 'em all right? The Nashville Nightmares vs. Mitch Better Have My Money Despite Devontae Freeman putting up a doughnut due to injury, The Nashville Nightmares walked away with this one easily due in large part to Jared Goff’s stellar performance. Devin Funchess also showed up big! I don’t have much to say about Chase’s team (sorry Chase). Decker Barely knew her vs Beets by Dre Decker Barely knew her beat Beets by Dre this week. In case you’re not quite sure what you just read I’ll write that one more time. Decker Barely knew her beat Beets by Dre by scoring the highest points total this week (congrats Jarrett). Sean somehow lost this one despite getting 29 points out of Robert Woods (very impressive, Sean). Ok, I’m going to go back to pretending like this fantasy football season doesn’t exist. Thanks for reading everyone! P.S. – Please try to score less so I don’t have to do this again.

Dear esteemed gentlemen and colleagues, First off, fuck you muhfuckys that suggested I write this week’s loser letter. I really didn’t want to but knew deep down that I deserved to. So consider this manifesto a sacrifice to the fantasy football gods, for I hope that they will once again smile favorably upon my dirty, thirsty team. Since this article is coming so late in the week (and I really just want to forget about the first half of the season), I thought it fitting to look ahead rather than backward. So with one-half of the season down, let’s take a look at what we have to look forward to for the rest of the 2017 Season. The Schwifty Niners Our dear friend, Lil Schweg, doesn’t have much to worry about as he will likely skate into the playoffs with a current 6-1-1 record. Led by the stellar play of his two lead backs, Gurley and LevBell, and a somewhat surprising x factor at the tight end position in Zach Ertz, The Niners seem destined for greatness this year. I mean I put up 121 against him and he still managed to avoid an L! New England Cam Chowder If you look at this team’s roster and total points on the season, you can’t help but think - how the hell is this guy 6-2?? But then, you realize that this is The Snake’s team… and that he’s the reigning champ for a reason. No matter how narrow the path to the playoffs, he will slither his way through the tiniest of crevices to reach his golden destination. A few words of wisdom for the rest of the season - watch your buttholes. The Nashville Nightmare’s Holy Deshaun Watson - Big Schweg is 6-2 and killing it! I think it’s safe to say that The Billy Goat curse has officially been lifted. Maybe it’s because the Cubs finally won the ship. Maybe it’s because he moved on from that soul sucking leach of an ex to much, much greener pastures (congratulations again, buddy). Whatever the reason, the dark cloud that covered so many of Schweggie’s past seasons has finally gave way to the light, and the future is looking brighter than ever. If he can find a solid QB option to stream week in and week out, The Nashville Nightmare’s have the look of a roster that can compete for the top spot. Mark Murphy Law of Averages I’m pretty sure the Commissh is going to have enough legal know-how to earn a JD by the end of this season. I just hope he doesn’t have a heart attack in the meantime. If Zeke the Freak continues to show and prove his elite elusiveness on and off the field, the Commissh might just rob the gould this year. #wordplay #bars I know most of you are probably too white to know what I’m talking about when I say “#bars” but I appreciate those that do (I’m looking at you Chase). Mitch Betta Have My Money Speaking of Chase, shout out to you for having, by far the best team name this season. This team has performed just like Trubisky, about as steady as you could ever hope considering the talent on the roster. Yet still, Chase’s team has more than a puncher’s chance to make it to the playoffs as (insert stat here)% of teams that start the year 4-4 actually make it to the playoffs. The Rest of You Losers I’m not spending any more of my Saturday writing about a bunch of losers. This includes myself. Your 2017 Fantasy Football season is more than likely over… but NEVER STOP FIGHTING! Not just for your pride but because 1) The Commish will bury you and then piss on your grave if you do 2) You’ll find yourself having to write this bullshit letter like me 3) You never know what might happen when it comes to Fantasy Football! Best of luck on the rest of the season & cheers to league TPD!