I wasn’t sure we’d ever make it here. At least not this year. That’s why even while writing this letter, typically reserved for the lousiest of losers, I do so with a joyful heart. Football is back! I predicted there would be a season. Fortunately for us all, I was right. In turn, I thought it would be fun to provide some early season predictions for our league. Cheers, gentlemen!
The Charkwing Bucks ride Lamar and Zeke to the Championship game
Much to the dismay of the rest of the league, The Snake seems to be back this season with a vengeance after scoring the most points in Week 1. With a solid roster from top to bottom, this doesn’t look like a team that will need to sneak and slither its way to victories this season. This team will be good. Which will make it that much sweeter for whoever is fortunate enough to take home the Snake Slayer trophy for the 2020 Season.
Cuck Fovid struggles early and makes late push to secure playoff spot
With question marks across the starting lineup to go along with an ailing Michael Thomas, it’s hard to imagine a clear path to victories early in the season. Cuck Fovid is relying heavily on young players such as David Montgomery, Cam Akers, Hollywood Brown and D’andre Swift to make major strides in production as the season wears on. It’s a risky strategy that could pay off if enough of these young players reach their ceiling by midseason.
The Hogmolies finish with the worst record in the league
An aging Drew Brees and a terrible Giants offensive line may keep The Hogmolies from being truly competitive in TPD this year. Hometown kid James Robinson securing the starting RB spot for the Jags gives us all a reason to root for the Hogmolies and perhaps this team receives surprise production from other parts of its roster to prove this prediction faulty. A speedy return to the field for stud TE George Kittle can only help the Hogs chances of outplaying this early season prediction.
The Item Niners wins the Numbers division
The early season exit of Marlon Mack provides a tremendous opportunity for rookie Johnathan Taylor to become an instant league winner. Also, the Niners now boast a Mahomes to Hill connection that will be a fun one to watch and a tough one to beat all season. There’s room for error here as owner Sean Gomez has been known as one to over manage his team, but the Item Niners clearly have the building blocks to go the distance.
The Kentucky Klondike Bars will be fined repeatedly for criticizing refs and Commissioner
A stellar week 1 effort from CMC was squandered by Kentucky as other areas of the team failed to click. Reports out of Kentucky are that ownership will not stand for mediocrity, as evidenced by several high profile players already being traded away from the team. If frustration continues to grow, the Commissioner should be prepared to hear from owner Ryan Schwegler directly and often. He’s an owner who’s not afraid to publicly voice how he feels about The Poets Dance League, it’s shitty rules and all of its bitch ass owners. Stay tuned…
The Fantasy Football Team will start strong but dwindle down the stretch
You might expect this team’s play to be as boring as its name, and if you do you’re right. Early indications are that Russell Wilson and Josh Jacobs will give this team a solid floor week in and week out. The question is – who can the Fantasy Football Team rely on for season’s long production outside of their top 2 weapons? This is especially true if Ronald Jones and Austin Ekeler’s touches slowly begin to be siphoned away by their backups as the season progresses like some expect to happen.
Helaireious Penis Jokes receives huge blow
In a shocking but ironic turn of events, Helaireious Penis Jokes will lose its starting QB for the season due to a freak kayaking accident that results in Aaron Rodgers losing his penis and deciding to retire from football IMMEDIATELY. When asked about the prediction, owner Jarrett Kimberly had this to say. “A football season is like a good penis joke. It has its ups and downs. It’s definitely going to get hard. But after you take a beating you just have to get back up again.”
R2 Deebo narrowly misses playoffs
Staying true to its tedious brand of football, R2 Deebo and ‘WTF does the rest of this name mean’ will be just good enough to win consistently and just bad enough to lose consistently all season. Much to the delight of Owner/Commissioner *cough: conflict of interest* Ryan Jensen, the Browns have proven that there is enough production out of their backfield to make both Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt viable starting options in fantasy football. The biggest question remaining: will Josh Allen show enough consistency for this team to win consistently? This prediction says no.
Depth issues come back to haunt a talented Turd Burglar team
After a solid Week 1 output, it’s clear that the Turd Burglars mean business. With no glaring holes to fill, the issue for this team will be properly managing such an expansive cast of boom or bust Turds. Luckily for The Turd’s they have an owner in Erik Schwegler that’s proven time and time again, he can squeeze out every inch of goodness his Turds have to offer. In order to make a run, The Turd Burglars need to stay healthy at RB as they don’t have much depth beyond Derrick ‘The Tank’ Henry and Kenyan ‘Take it to the Bank’ Drake.
I'm excited to see what actually waits ahead this season. Good luck to you all.
P.S. Fuck Covid