Greetings and welcome to this week's edition of the loser's letter which features your faithful commissoner, Ryan Douglas Jensen. I had great pleasure in writing this statistic-driven article which was a result of my team scoring the fewest amount of points in Week 11. I titled this "What the fuck am I doing?" because I'm sure you would all like a reasonable explanation for a number of the things that I choose to do. The first and most glaring, why the fuck would I get rid of Brandin Cooks AND Duke Johnson for some old schmuck named DeMarco Murray? The second would be, why the fuck did I trade away Gronk to get some schmuck like Doug Martin? The third, you might ask, would be why the fuck would I trade away Jimmy Graham AND potential keeper Derrick Henry for the young, crotch-grabbing, Eli-pass-snatching Evan Engram? The fourth question you may have would be an oldie but a goodie, why the fuck did you draft Ezekiel Elliott at 3rd overall? You may have more questions than that, but the answer is in my name. I'm the law-of-averages king and it made me really uncomfortable to be sitting around 7-3. I knew I needed to ship out some talent and get back some lackluster name value guys, that is what I did. You may all be confused while reading this, waiting for the sudden plot twist or punchline to come, but, at least this week, I have no punchline. I am the punchline this week. 67 points and a big shoutout to the 27 that the LA Chargers D/ST got me. Also, it would be so much more poetic to make a push for a championship run if I had some adversity or unlikely odds to overcome. I don't like 7-3, it's too EZ. Maybe I should just try to get Zeke again next year? Think he can keep his hands to himself?
Enough with the self-pity party, let's talk about some real shit. We have just 3 games to go in this 2017 season, a year which has been plagued by superstar injuries with collateral damage as well as the running back by committee. We saw Jake the Snake get off to a 5-0 start, coasting off the fumes from his 2nd championship, only to go 1-5 over the next six weeks. Erik, who currently holds the #2 seed, took control of the league next by getting to a 7-1-1 record, but after losing his last two games, the door is left open. The #OneMoreYard Nashville Nightmares have casually kept pace with the league's frontrunners all season, and becomes the first team to clinch a playoff spot with his 2nd consecutive divisional championship sprinkled on top. After 5 years in the Snakepit division, Schweg has got to be happy to play in the "weak" division (;-) don't hit me Chase) with his 2nd straight playoff appearance and currently holds the #1 seed. In the "strong" division, the three top teams all lost this week which has allowed for a brand new seed-holder. Jacob wins his third straight to improve to 6-5 and currently holds the 4th seed, knocking Jake-the-Snake out of the playoff picture for now (c'mon guys, let's finish him!). I am the one that lost to Jacob which knocks me down to 7-4, but I still am hanging on to that #3 seed. Things would be much easier with an active Ezekiel Elliott, but I will have to try to scratch out one or two more wins to qualify.
As far as playoff clinching scenarios go for Week 12, everyone still has a shot at making the playoffs believe it or not. Yes, I'm talking to you Aaron, Chase, Jarrett, Sean and Terrance! Don't pack it in just yet because you could still wind up in the playoffs, or at least pretend to by keeping someone else from getting in. Here is the playoff breakdown:
-Schweg has clinched the Schwegdemption division which means the other four teams would have to qualify as a wildcard.
-Terrance has a 5% chance of making the playoffs
-Jarrett has a 3% chance of making the playoffs
-Sean has a 2.5% chance of making the playoffs
-Chase has a 2% chance of making the playoffs
Any scenario where one of these teams makes the playoffs would require them to at least win their final three games, with help from other teams.
-Erik leads the Snakepit division, and has a 58% chance of winning the division with a 95% chance of making the playoffs. Erik can clinch a playoff spot this weekend with a win AND a loss from either Jake, Jacob or myself. The Snakepit division cannot be won in week 12.
-Your commish has a 26% chance of winning the division with an 83% chance of making the playoffs. I can clinch a playoff spot this weekend if I win AND both Jake and Jacob lose.
-Jacob has a 5% chance of winning the division with a 57% chance of making the playoffs.
-Jake has a 5% chance of winning the division with a 40% chance of making the playoffs.
-Aaron cannot win the division but has a 1% chance of making the playoffs (Once again, Aaron is part of the 1%)
I feel like that's all the data that most of you can handle, so I'll save some more stat nuggest for the podcast. Willy has confirmed that Saturday morning should work so Doug & Willy will be coming your way soon. If I call you on Saturday morning, you'll know why. Crazy weeks loom ahead gentlemen, but we most all focus on the unified goal: #BringHomeRobbie