Week 9 Loser’s Letter

The Loser's Letter. What is it even? L. That's it. That's the letter. A big fat L on my forehead, not unlike Steve from Smash Mouth used to sing about. Kamara Kameleon? The only thing chameleon-like about my team is its consistent ability to hide from the scoreboard. I could gripe that I have the second most, very nearly the most points scored against me this season, but that's mostly irrelevant because I have the fewest points scored. Aaron has the most points scored against him this year and the second fewest points scored, our teams are very similar and we actually face off this week in what is sure to be the least-exciting fantasy football event of 2019. How exactly does my team suck so bad? Let's look at my draft picks, in order. Alvin Kamara - Currently the 19th ranked fantasy RB. That's right, my 1st pick and team namesake has scored fewer points than James Conner, Carlos Hyde, and Jordan Howard. Ouch. Tyreek Hill - 21st ranked fantasy WR. When he's played, he's played as well as one could hope. An injury in the first 15 minutes of the 2019 season took Hill away from me for five weeks. Ouch. Mike Evans - Surprisingly to me, he is the 2nd ranked fantasy WR this year. Six out his seven touchdowns for the season however came from three monster games, leaving him fairly useless outside those games. Ouch. Brandin Cooks - Who? 66th most fantasy points for a WR. Ouch. Aaron Rodgers - 5th round pick, 9th most fantasy points for a QB this year. Meh. I'm not going to go through everybody, but I will point out that Phillip Lindsay (my keeper) has outscored any other RB I had this year, and I foolishly gave him away to Jake the Snake while trying to cover bye weeks. Le sigh. I think my season was doomed regardless, but still. Also worth noting that after Mike Evans, my top scoring WR for the year has been Courtland Sutton, who was my very last pick of the draft. My studs took the year off, and nobody stepped up to fill their shoes. I tried to be proactive on the waiver wire but despite having a high priority each week, I wasn't able to snag any season-changing players. Week after week I rooted for the elite players I did have in my roster to give me some good news, and week after week I was disappointed. Last week, the reason I'm here writing this damn letter, my team didn't score a single touchdown. Not a single notification from my NFL app. Kyle dumbshitloserassbitchbuttfucking Allen threw 4 interceptions, but no touchdowns. Ouch. He was looking kinda duuumb with his fiiinger and his thumb in the shape of an L on his forehead.

Good morning. I’d like to take this opportunity to discuss a topic that can be difficult for many to talk about. It can happen when you least expect it. Chances are strong that somebody you know has already been affected. Your sister or best friend, mother, brother, maybe your favorite player in the league, hell, maybe even you. It’s okay. There is light at the end of the tunnel. For victims of trade rape, the road to recovery can be difficult and disheartening. Last season, statistics show that over 50% of registered leagues had at least one incident of trade rape. 73% of leagues reported interdivisional trade abuse, a strong precursor to more violent trade behavior. It is important to keep yourself protected at all times; trade rape is often instigated by one’s closest friends or family, who take advantage of trust and strike when the guard is down. In some situations the abuser may not even realize what they are doing is wrong- maybe they’ve been taken advantage of in the past and have normalized the trauma, maybe they truly believe their trades are fair and consensual. Regardless, if you feel you have been a victim of trade rape, it is important to seek help now, before more people are hurt. Let’s discuss what trade rape is and isn’t. Trade rape is defined as one league player proposing and executing a trade against another player, wherein the abuser has an obvious advantage in the outcome of the trade. This is usually facilitated by the abuser being more well-informed or perhaps even possessing insider information. Maybe their trade target is highly intoxicated or otherwise incapacitated. Some may feel that the line between critical savvy trading and criminal savage trading is blurry, but I propose that the line is not blurry at all. If you aim to take advantage of another league member’s impairment or lack of discernment, you may be a trade rapist. Bad trades happen and not all of them are premeditated offenses. Perhaps an otherwise fair trade is completed, only for one player to get injured in the following game, or another player to greatly exceed their expectations and put up big numbers. These are not instances of trade abuse and I do not wish to conflate the two. If you are fortunate enough to come out on the positive side of such a trade, you may still feel empathy and compassion for your trade partner‘s loss, but you need not feel guilt. Some of you may be asking, how do I protect myself from becoming a victim, or how can I be sure I am not abusing those that I care about? Is it my responsibility to make sure my trade partners are informed? What IS a fair trade? These are all terrific questions. The best way to protect yourself as well as your trade partners is to know what a fair trade looks like. Admittedly, a fair trade can be difficult to come by. In many cases, even when consenting partners are interested in trading, there may not be a fair trade possible to satisfy each team’s needs. In its most simple form, a fair trade can be defined as a one for one trade consisting of two players with approximately equal “trade value”. Team A needs a RB and has an extra WR, Team B has the opposite. Boom. Easy, fair trade. Or perhaps two teams wish to swap QB’s to better match with their existing receivers. In truth there are a number of scenarios in which fair trading can be accomplished. The difficultly is that a desirable and fair, perfectly balanced trade is indeed rare. In most cases one party or the other has an advantage, simply because player values are complex and always changing. Of course, you would always prefer to be the owner with the trade advantage. In this way, by design most trades that are proposed to you will have a slight edge to the team proposing. Why would anyone initiate a trade where they are losing overall value to their team? When a trade is proposed to you, the best case scenario is a fair, mutually beneficial trade. On average the trade will contain elements of mutual benefit, but the overall value will lean towards the proposer. It is very, very rare indeed that a trade proposed to you would ever have an overall value leaning in your favor, for the reasons mentioned above. Worst case scenario when a trade is proposed to you, is trade rape. Three benchwarmers for one stud is trade rape. In this scenario the team trading away the stud must also drop players from their team to make way for the newly acquired trade players. Even if the three scrubs equal the value of the one stud on paper, in practice there are no three-for-one deals. You don’t get two extra roster spots to make room for these players. Once you calculate in the loss of your two dropped players, you see that you likely made only incremental improvements in those positions, and traded away one of your best players for a mid-tier replacement. It’s one thing if the three players you are receiving are decent and would each provide actual improvements to your positions, but more often than not the players are bench players for the proposing trade rapist. These trades are loosely insulting and only in the worst of scenarios should they be considered. If your team has been ravaged by injury and you are having trouble filling positions with quality, starting players, you may need to trade away your hot shot in order to rebuild a team that sees playtime. In all other scenarios, this author views proposed three-for-one trades as criminal. My friends, my league mates, I am here today writing as an advocate for us all. I have been victim to attempted trade abuse, this season and most seasons before it. There are too many owners who want to improve a position on their team without wanting to give up anything in the process. But that is not how we define a trade. To trade, you get something, you give up something. You are banking that what you got has more value that what you gave, your trader partner is banking the same. It is a bet on the future. Trade rape is not betting on the future, it is betting on your opponent’s ignorance. All’s fair in love and war, I do not mean to vilify those who wish to improve their team through precision, tactical trade practices. Just know that this butthole is clenched hard, I’ve got my rape whistle ready and no penetration will occur today or any other day. Protect yourselves, men, and best of luck.

Gentlemen we have just completed week 5 of the 2019 season, and I am still awake at these wee hours relishing in victory before I turn the page ahead to week 6. It was an epic game to be a part of, especially with the fact that I ended up winning. I hung dong all over Terrance's team! Guess you'll have to go cry to the trophy tonight after Kittle proved he's a man's man in the 2nd-highest scoring game of all time. It was, in fact, one of the more prolific weeks our league has ever seen. Let's take a look at some details! Week 5 of the 2019 season was the 5th highest scoring week of all time. The average score was 107.6, fairly close to the all-time highest scoring week of 111.9. That was week 10 of 2018 when 8 teams were over 100 points and the other 2 teams scored 95 and 97 points. I defeated Terrance 152-137, putting up a total of 289 points. This was second only to the 300 points scored in the Schwegler Shootout of 2011, which ended with Erik on top 157-143. My 152 points were the 4th most ever scored, and I am now the only owner to have scored more than 150 points on 3 different occasions. Eat that everybody! Terrance’s 137 points were also the 2nd most scored in a losing effort. Jake started the Tampa Bay defense for just the 10th time in history, and becomes the first team to start the Bucs since 2015. However, owners starting the Bucs D/ST have a 7-3 record in those games. Sean has a career record of 61-62. This marks the first time in Sean’s career that he has been below .500. He got off to a 3-0 start in 2011 on his way to a 2nd place 12-4 finish. He followed that up with a 12-4 championship run in 2012. That 24-8 overall record was enough of a buffer to endure a 3-11 season in 2013, a 7-7 record in 2014, a 5-9 record in 2015, a 6-8 record in 2016, a 6-8 record in 2017, and a 7-7 record in 2018. Sean came into 2019 with a 60-58 record, but much has changed, and it has been almost 7 years since Sean was in the playoffs. Through 5 weeks of the season, we have seen 27 teams score 100 points or more, with a record of 21-6. That is currently a record setting pace of 81 games of 100 points or more. Scoring as a whole is on its own record setting pace of 13,972 total points, which is 200 points above last year’s record pace. We are also on pace to have 18 losses when owners score 100 points or more, which would break last year’s record. As we currently stand, it's JVay and myself looking down at everyone else with a really-nice-feeling 4-1 record. Following us are the scrappy teams who have been hanging around and have themselves in a pretty decent position, that would be Schweg, Jarrett & Erik. With some work to do, we have Terrance, Jake, & Aaron sitting at 2-3. And in the basement, we have Chase and Sean moping around at 1-4. As I noted earlier this week, no 1-4 team has ever made the playoffs. It's also worth noting, since everyone is taking notes, that no 4-1 team has ever missed the playoffs! That does not include the two 5-0 teams that did, however. So I guess 4-1 is better than 5-0? Anywho, we have two divisional games next week with Schweg vs Sean and Doug vs Willy. Oh, and Sean finishes with another loser's letter punishment. The question is, will he write it this time or eat another $5 to keep his pride?